Sunday, June 24, 2007

Exclusive: What Lo Duca Said

For those of you who missed Paul Lo Duca's tirade during last night's game, this is how it went down:

Umpire Marvin Hudson: "Strike"
Lo Duca: "That was a strike are you kidding me?"
Hudson: "Shut up Paul and just swing the bat will ya"
LD: "Wha Wha What!!! Oh hell to the naw! Ok ok I'll let that slide, but that was outside Blue and you know it"

(next pitch comes in...)

Hudson: "Strrrrrrike!"

(Lo Duca jumps out of the batter's box, does a spin, a moonwalk and a split, then pops up and heads toward the home plate umpire)

LD: "WTF!!! Are you f*cking blind or something? You must have eyes of a bat! How'd you call that strike, with your sonar? WTF!"
Hudson: "Calm down Do Luca, before I toss you outta here!"
LD: "Do Luca?, DO LUCA!? Who the hell are you Chris 'Mad Dog' Russo?" Nobody calls me Do Luca, nobody. You betta start calling the strike zone right before you be left sleeping with the fishes paisan!"
Hudson: "Is that a threat? Huh little man, is that a threat? Say one more word and you're outta here"
LD: "One more word"
Hudson: "That's it, Do Luca, YOU'RE OUTTA HERE"
LD: "What? well *&%$#$ you and *&%$#@ with a donkey and &^%$*#* a gerbil!! Don't be surprised when Tony Soprano pulls up in a car besides you and leaves you 6 feet under home plate you f*cking paisan! And STOP CALLING ME DO LUCA!!"

(In comes Willie Randolph to try and break it up)

Willie: "OK guys break it up, we have children in the first row they might hear you. Willie loves the kids."
Hudson: "Get him out of here Willie or I'm sending you home with him"
LD: "Yo Mama!"
Willie: "Whoa Paul, calm down. Don't take it there. Marv, he never meant to say Yo Mama. He didn't mean it he's just a little sensitive. It's the whole Napolean complex thing.

(Willie looks at Lo Duca, then looks at Hudson and makes a face like something stinks)

Willie: Damn, both of y'all breath smell like similac. You want a Tic Tac? (In Rick James' voice) That was Colddddddd Bloodedddddd!!!"

(In comes crew chief Ed Montague)

Montague: "Hey Paul calm down will ya, you know if you argue balls and strikes you're gonna get tossed"
LD: "No the only thing gettin' tossed around here is Hudson's ass when you go to his hotel room. Keep talking and I'll have you tossed in the East River Monty! Both of those pitches were balls and he knows it!
Montague: "Now you listen to me Paulie, I don't take threats lightly. And furthermore, you're the one with the nickname 'Captain Red Ass' so tell me whose butt is the one getting tossed around here? Huh, tell me?"
LD: "F#ck you Monty"

(Paul heads to the dugout)

LD: (whispering in David Wright's ear) "Yo did you like that? Was that a good performance. Oscar-worthy right?"
Wright: "Nah dude you need more, that was a Triple A tirade, I know you can do better than that. This is the Bigs."
LD: "Oh for real? Ok, what is Montague, is that Irish? What's the worst thing ever produced by an Irishman?"
Wright: Ummm well if you ask me, it has to be that song "Jump Around" by the group House of Pain. That was god awful."
LD: "True. Ok watch this."

(Lo Duca tosses his bat, helmet and catcher's equipment onto the field. He heads onto the field one last time and turns towards the crowd. He then proceeds to lead the crowd in his rendition of "Jump Around" by the group House of Pain)

LD: "Pack it up, pack it in... Let me begin... I came to win battle me that's a sin...

(David Wright and Jose Reyes are seen in the dugout jumping around. Jose, thinking it's the song "Jump" by Kris Kross, is wearinig his uniform backwards.)

LD:...I came to get down, I came to get down, So get out your seats and jump around! Jump around!"

(Throwback: "Jump Around" by House of Pain)

(Lo Duca heads to the showers. Applause from the Shea crowd. One guy holds up a sign with the number "10" on it and another guy has made an Oscar award out of the aluminum hot dog wrappers. Omar Minaya is spotted in the A's dugout trying to make a mid-game trade for Joe Blanton involving Lastings Milledge and Paul Lo Duca. Mike Piazza will be a throw in.)

The End

Oh yeah, and the Mets win 1-0 on a soft line drive in the 9th by David Wright. All is good for the Metropolitans. Holla back.

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